I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
