You're completely useless in the revolution.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
