The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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