He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
