I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
