my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize