I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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