we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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