i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
