I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
