Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How's work?
Spinning.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
