and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
