I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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