Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
