I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
