Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
