So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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