I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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