paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
