He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
