My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
