Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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