my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
