He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
