I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
