im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
