We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
