Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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