i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize