Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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