I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
