dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
