Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
FUCK WHALES
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
