he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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