There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
