come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
