I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
