Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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