My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
