I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
