the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We left the knife in your bed.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
