it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
