I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There r osticjed everywhere
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
