dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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