maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
