I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
