this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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