just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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