There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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