At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
