highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
