i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
