whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize