I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
