If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
