Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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