you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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